On Sexiness and Chastity
I’ve participated in or witnessed numerous conversations about whether or not the Church talks about sex enough. Regardless of the answer to that, I think secular society talks about sex too much. It shows it too much. It plasters it all over the place too much. It makes us think about it too much. I want to talk about one particular aspect of purity, which is chastity.
Chastity isn’t sex; and to most people today, it’s not sexy. I’m not trying to be cute with the words here, or be provocative, I’m speaking the same language that we’re bombarded with. Even the word sexy has become either so dissociated from sex or too associated with sex. We use it to describe cars, meetings, ideas, nuclear physics, people, and even religious ideas. Sexy has come to mean something akin to stimulating or attractive. We use a word that used to denote erotic stimulation to mean very casual or holy things. Hmm. How we use language really says something about us. I’ll leave it at that, because it’s not the point of this particular blog.
The point of this particular blog is to start something like a conversation about chastity, how hard it is and some ways we can strive for it. The struggle for me is real, and it’s the same as your struggle. As a vowed celibate servant living in a hyper-sexualised world, the battle is as real as yours is. The difficulty of the battle differs according to the strength and skill that you train for, and the grace that you receive to do that. I hope to discuss some general concepts, but this isn’t mean to be the be-all-end-all blog on sexual purity (aka chastity).
WhyChastity?
Askingthat question is like asking “why be healthy?”. It’s not [supposed to be] abouta list of pros and cons. It’s not [supposed to be] about personal preferences.It’s not [supposed to be] about personal ideologies. It’s not [supposed to be]about what you personally think or feel. It’s a matter of identity; it’s amatter of design. Asking ‘why be healthy?’ is the same as asking ‘why is theresuch thing as health?’. You could certainly come up with a list of pros andcons, but it wouldn’t be why, because it is something that simply is.
The same is true of chastity. Sexuality (note that I’m not just saying ‘sex’) is for something. It is a matter of identity, and it has its own uses and its own place. You don’t insert gum into your nose (even though you can) for a reason. You don’t give your bodies and sexuality to people (even though you can) without solid reason. At the end of the day, if you believe in God, then you’re compelled to believe in chastity because it’s Who He is, and consequently, who you are. So, I won’t write a long blog article here about the whole reason of 'why chastity?' but will give you the abbreviated one: it’s who God and you are.
Chastityis romantic
Let’sconsider that for a moment. Chastity is romantic. Why? Because inchoosing it, you are saying that I belong to only one person and one personalone: my [future] spouse. Naturally, you belong to God first and foremost, butbear with me, I speak as a man.
In saying that you will not make out, not get sexually involved, not look at other peoples’ nakedness, not observe others having sex or doing sexual things; in saying that you will not let another person touch you in a sexual way and will not touch others in a sexual way (other than your spouse), you are being deeply romantic. You are saying I’m so in love with my [future] spouse that I will share myself only with that person and that person alone.
It’sromantic. If you think there are exceptions to being romantic with your spousealone, then I beg you to ask yourself if you expect fidelity from your spouse.If you think that sharing your body and sexuality are nothing more thanexpressions of love and affection, then you should ask yourself why you don’tshare it with just anyone at school, work, or forgive me, in your family. Ifyou are not comfortable with doing it to just anyone it means that youdo not believe, actually, that sexuality is not just an expression ofaffection. It’s a specific kind of expression directed at a specific someone.Your battle for chastity is equivalent to your battle for fidelity in marriage.It’s romantic. It’s faithful. It’s…well, sexy. In an appropriate way.
Howyou value yourself and your [future] spouse is not something temporal only tothe day of your union and crowning. It’s a part of the process of your eternalfaithfulness to your spouse. So what can we do to fight for our chastity?
Useyour senses properly: Eyes
Don’ttake second looks. Don’t watch porn of any kind. Don’t read porn. Don’t watch yourequivalents of porn (Instagram, Reddit feeds, Twitter etc.…). Don’t watchmovies or TV series that make you weaker in your resolve. Don’t watch the person at the gym that youthink is hot. Don’t look where you shouldn’t look.
Do look at things that help you, do read the things that help you, do look at everyone as your brother and sister (and not as a piece of meat). Do look at movies or TV shows or media that either do not provoke you to sin or that do actively help you toward chastity.
Useyour senses properly: Ears
Don’tlisten to things that get you stimulated. If you’re listening to music like Zayn’s“Pillowtalk” or Akon’s “I wanna love you” or Flo Rida’s “Whistle”, it’s no surprisethat you’re stimulated. If you’re listening to people at work or school describingtheir sexual escapades, you’re going to struggle. If you’re listening to sexualjokes or stories, you will be weak. Don’t listen to things that get youweak.
Listen to things that are either neutral (good) or make you stronger (best). I’m not criminalising music, but I’m saying do listen to things that do not harm you. Some might say, ‘are you saying that I should listen to Church hymns or sermons’? No, I’m not saying you have to do that --> although, that’s a great idea that you should consider trying sometimes rather than treating it like it’s a ridiculous idea. I’m saying do listen to things that build you up, that do not harm you, that are in a worst-case scenario neutral. Do be honest about how things affect you. I speak of music in particular because it affects me, and I love music.
Useyour senses properly: Mouth
Don’tmake crude jokes. Don’t talk about sexuality all the time. Don’t sing thelyrics of songs or other content that cause you to lose your resolve. Don’t saythings you don’t mean or that are not true or that compromise your character.If you’re comfortable compromising your character, you’re comfortable not beingyourself (chaste).
Don’teat too much (self-indulgence) or you will not only be unable to say ‘no’ to yourselfin general, but you will often be putting yourself in a lustful mood. We allknow what food comas look like. Don’t put your mouth where it doesn’t belong(and yes, I also mean that sexually).
Dosay things that are true, lovely, kind, helpful, build-up. Do speak reverentlyabout everything, including sex and sexuality. Do speak kind words and goodwords and decent lyrics and conversation. If you have trouble doing this, itmeans you’re probably not used to having a good conversation. I’ve had many inmy life and they rarely were about sexuality. It’s not impossible or boring tohave a stimulating conversation that is not about sex.
Useyour senses properly: Nose
Yes, even your nose matters. Are you wearing cologne or perfume to make yourself more sexually attractive? Let’s face it, I’ve walked through the Macy’s and Hudson Bay companies and even the airport. What are the pictures usually adorning perfume and cologne ads? Naked people. Often, naked people engaged in sexual contact. Why? Because perfume/cologne are, apparently, sexy. I’m not saying don’t ever put these on you, but I’m saying don’t do this provocatively and be real about it. Do care about personal hygiene and not smelling like you rolled out of a workout, but do not be ultra-attentive to making sure that you can be smelled a mile away, and that the smell is meant to stimulate people.
Useyour senses properly: Touch
Keep your hands to yourself. We’re in an era where we’re constantly hugging each other. That used to be weird. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that as we got more sexual as a society, we got touchier. It’s not because we’re less primitive and know that touching is ‘not a big deal’. Touching increases the likelihood of tipping - you can read tons of papers and studies on that. We like touch; it feels good. It’s stimulating. Don’t touch. Don’t tickle people. Don’t put your arms around people, pretending that it’s innocent when really, you’re longing for that touch.
Don’ttouch people where you shouldn’t (I also mean that sexually). Learn tokeep your body to yourself and you will not struggle to keep it for yourspouse. It’s actually that simple. Ifyou are used to gratifying your need or your desire for sensuality(because we have both in us) on demand, good luck with being faithful toyour spouse.
Dotouch people appropriately. This includes within marriage, believe it or not.Spouses, if you deprive your partners of sensual and sexual touch, you may bedoing some serious damage and causing your spouse to look outside of themarriage or outside of you to gratify the need or want. So I’m not justtalking about negative touch, I’m talking about positive touch and about negativeuse of withholding touch. Understand your relationships to others andwhat kind of touch is appropriate or inappropriate. This is sometimes cultural,and sometimes religious. Know the difference between the two.
Don’t use touch as the go-to way of comfort, or you’re normalising inappropriate use of your body. Don’t use your touch to sext people or write inappropriate things. Write positive things and text appropriate things – it’s not like the only source of enjoyable writing is sex. If that’s the case, it means that you’re more taken by society than you might like to admit.
Thebody in general
Use your body as what it is: a sacred thing that you can share very intimately with your beloved. Don’t go to inappropriate places. If you’re at the club or on the dance floor with a bunch of hot people who are clearly stimulated and often there to hook up in some form, you will not be strong in keeping yourself for your spouse, not now, not later. You will likely become addicted to that rush and to that atmosphere. It’s no coincidence that people laugh at the idea of marriage, or play with the idea of auto-expiring marriage licenses.
Don’tdress in a way that begs people to stare at your breasts, chest, biceps, abs,thighs, rear end or anything that is sexy (by today’s standards). If you thinkI’m being extra, perhaps you will agree when you recall songs like “Baby gotback”. Be real. People like bodies, or they would not be on display all thetime. The less clothing, the more attractive (sexually). Do not participate inthis.
Don’tbe in places or engage in activities that publicly or privately makeyour body the focal point of attention. The more attention that you give something,the more power you give it. There’s a lot of reason and logic to asceticism,which has been publicly replaced with hedonism. Don’t go on work trips or business meetings thatcompromise your fidelity. There is no reason why the business meeting with the potentialclient needs to be at a strip club (yes, I’ve heard of this happening).
Do dress beautifully. It’s just that beautifully and sexually are not the same thing. Do go places you enjoy that don’t hurt you. Do go out and have fun; it just doesn’t have to be at the club. It’s not the only fun place in existence or every human being in existence would be there (they’re not, I promise). Do be fit, do be healthy – but do it in a right way and do it in a way that does not attract sexual attention. Do travel, just not in a way that makes you weaker. You have to train your body and understand the deep romance of asceticism.
Friends
I won’t spend a long time on this because the blog is (as usual) longer than intended. Suffice it to say this: if you’re surrounded by people who do not believe what you believe, you are less likely to be able to keep your chastity. Numerous cultures and creeds (even atheists like Lenin) have some kind of form of the adage: tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are. Choose your friends carefully. You need friends usually, and you need them to be supporting your choices, not making them more difficult.
May God grant us all grace in our struggle for chastity. So, while the world might think that your chastity is crazy or stupid, to that spouse of yours, for whom you have been entirely faithful and protective of, it's romantic. In choosing chastity, you’re choosing a real and true sexual relationship. It won’t be deformed sexiness, it’s actually sexy.